


It Started With A Plea and Ended With A Restraining Order

by angelslaugh



Series: The Judge-Nin MisAdventures [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Apparently this is what happens when I'm in desperate need of inspiration, Gen, Humor, Naruto is a nin-judge, No Romance, weird shit happens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-31
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2019-07-05 01:16:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15853254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelslaugh/pseuds/angelslaugh
Summary: Pretty much what the title says. Also Danzou dies.





	It Started With A Plea and Ended With A Restraining Order

Naruto ran through the snow, forgoing sleeves and anything to cover up her arms as she ran towards the Raikage’s group.

She jumped, snow exploding around her as she landed hard in the snow.

No matter that she could barely see out of one eye, no matter how slow Kurama was healing her –

“Please, don’t kill Sasuke!”

Okay, she hadn’t meant to sound _that_ needy.

“How dare you make demands of the Raikage, Konoha _dog!”_

“Believe me,” Naruto said forcefully, ignoring the blonde sensor. “I _know_ that the man who took your brother is Sasuke, and I _know_ how you feel. Please,” she implored, bowing her head.

The Raikage walked around her, not saying a word.

Naruto let tears fill her eyes, whirling around angrily.

“He’s coming after _me,_ next!”

The company stopped.

“Gods above.” Naruto rolled her eyes, clenching her teeth. “Believe me when I say that I _know_ what the Akatsuki are capable of. I can feel it, every _single time_ a jinchuuriki’s bijuu is extracted – I know that while he’s gone from your village, there’s a chance Sasuke hasn’t given the Akatsuki your brother! But I _also_ beg you to spare Sasuke’s life – not as a favor from one ninja to another.” Naruto steeled herself. “For the debt you owe my father.”

The Raikage turned to her, staring at her with cold eyes.

“You can feel the deaths of the jinchuuriki?”

Naruto nodded, her hand twitching in an effort not to move it to her shoulder and collarbone.

Every number – every jinchuuriki that had died – their bijuu’s form had materialized.

“I have only felt seven,” she admitted. “Not eight.”

“Then why did you let me punch you?” the golden-eyed girl’s eyes were wide.

Naruto cracked a miserable smile.

“Because I figure if I get Sasuke back, then I can punch him for every time a punch came _my_ way… Oh! And definitely do _not_ trust the asshole known as Danzou!” she jabbed her finger in the air. “He’s a manipulative liar and I’m pretty sure he had a hand in the whole ninja war shit, I just haven’t figured out _what.”_

“I still haven’t agreed to spare the damn Uchiha’s life,” the Raikage said with a bored look.

(His eyes were no longer cold.)

“You haven’t,” agreed Naruto softly. “But I doubt you like owing people; this way, I can have what I want, minimal loss of life – and you can find out what he did to your brother. Fair’s fair, in a way.”

“You _can’t_ be serious,” the sensor cried out. “Raikage-sama –“

“I have no reason to believe you’ll keep your word,” the Raikage said, his eyes narrowing.

“Tch.” Naruto rolled her eyes and flipped her hair. It slapped her in the eye. She yelped and touched it – only to wince further as it was her bruised eye. “Inari _dammit!_ I’m an Uzumaki, through-and-through! If there’s _anyone_ I’d worry about keeping their word it’d be you!”

“Why _us?”_ Karui growled. “We didn’t do anything to you!”

“Not me, personally,” deadpanned the last Uzumaki. “Your nation killed my mother’s people. I’ve no reason to believe anything but this – my father saved your brother so he could live a life free from hatred. I’ve never been to your village, so I dunno what it’s like there. But I know from Killer B that you are a man of your word.”

Naruto shrugged and turned to walk away.

“Just think on it,” she called over the wind and over her shoulder.

She yelped as her wrist was grabbed and she was yanked into the side of the lollipop-eating man.

“Omoi, what the fuck are you –“

A cloak settled around her shoulders. While it didn’t do much, it did warm her up.

“She came all the way out here, just to ask us to spare her bro’s life. I’d say _that_ is one of the boldest things Konoha ninja have ever done. Plus, she’s weaponless and in pretty non-winter clothes, so unless we wanna be responsible for the Kyuubi to come out and rage…” Omoi shrugged. “Sorry, I just figured it’d be better to be prepared.”

“No weapons?” Naruto repeated… Before smacking herself. “Damn it all, I was in such a rush I forgot to tell the Ho- oh my gods, I really, _really_ have to stay hidden from Danzou,” she muttered, smacking herself again.

“Tch. Whatever.” The Raikage began walking.

Naruto kept standing where she was, until the blonde woman sighed and dragged her forward.

“Konoha shinobi or not, apparently you’re coming with us,” she deadpanned seriously.

“Konoha shinobi are _weird,”_ muttered the dude with the broadsword on his back.

Naruto nodded. “I know,” she agreed completely. “I figure I’m one of the more sane ones.”

“I’d hate to see what an insane shinobi looks like.”

“I’m, like, ninety-percent sure it’s whoever takes the hat.”

(Tsunade woke from her coma with the urge to strangle Naruto.)

~:~

It probably was NOT A GOOD IDEA to contact Killer B while in the same room as Kumo shinobi, but eh. Naruto wasn’t the _best_ at deciding which situation was life or death.

As soon as she sat down in the cave, she sat in a meditative pose and sank deep into her consciousness.

It probably took a few hours.

“I’M GOING TO FUCKING _KILL YOU,_ KILLER B!”

Killer B was _not_ dying. In fact, he was having a fucking _vacation._

“I _just_ fought the LEADER OF THE _AKATSUKI,_ and you’re having a FUCKING _VACATION?!”_

Her short hair rose as the Dangerous Habenero AuraTM enshrouded her.

Killer B laughed nervously. “Now, wait a minute –“

“I just had to _beg your Kage_ for Sasuke’s _life!”_ she shouted, readying a _Rasenshuriken._

“I was training?”

“ _BULL. SHIT!”_

“Oh, shit.”

“ _RASENSHURIKEN!”_

~:~

“Say, Raikage-sama…” Naruto brought the attention of the Kumo-nins to her. “Your brother isn’t dead. He took a…” Her eye twitched. _“Vacation_ on the back of – he said it was the Flying Turtle? Wow, you must have good drugs.” Her eye twitched again.

The Raikage’s eye twitched madly.

“I’m going to kill him,” he said, setting down his bowl.

“I’m going to mutilate him,” Naruto growled. “Or pound his ass so hard he won’t be able to walk straight.”

There was a long, long pause as the filthy-minded Kumo-nin turned to stare at Naruto. Naruto, who tilted her head, pausing at their dumbfounded expressions.

“What?” she asked innocently… Before she got it. “Oh my _gods!_ That’s not what I meant! I mean, he’s attractive, sure… Not my type, though. Apparently my type is… Well, actually, all the guys I was interested in are dead, so apparently my type is nonexistent.” Naruto shrugged. “Ah, well.”

“So, you’re gay then?”

Again, Naruto stared at Karui for a moment. “No, what gave you –“

Again, the shock on her face.

“You _seriously_ thought I was a _guy?!_ I’m female!”

She immediately proved to them she was said female, by removing her shirt.

There they were, loosely bound in bandages.

“Please put your shirt back on,” requested a blushing Omoi.

~:~

“Oops,” Naruto drawled with a load of sarcasm. “He just walked right into my _rasenshuriken._ How sad.”

Her dry, not-sad voice made Omoi transfer his shock from the crater currently residing where the former Hokage had stood to the jinchuuriki in question.

“ _So_ sad, in fact, I’m on the verge of hysterical laughter,” she continued with a brilliant smirk on her face. Omoi _knew_ there was a reason she’d spawned a few clones earlier, he’d just chosen not to say anything.

“Holy shit,” Karui stared.

“Well, I should –“

Two Konoha nin appeared before her, kneeling.

“How might we serve you, master?”

“What the _fu –“_

“With Danzou-sama’s death, you are the master we must follow,” the one in the _weirdest_ purple outfit said, staring at her flatly. “And seeing as you are the only Konoha ninja in several miles, you’re now the interim Hokage.”

“Holy shit, I didn’t know killing him would do that!” Her face lit up, like Yule had come early.

“Shall we go, Hokage-sama?”

“I _like_ that title,” grinned the jinchuuriki with a maniac smile.

“We’re all going to die,” announced Omoi.

~:~

Naruto stepped into the room with a big smile on her face.

“Yo!” she greeted the rest of the Kages. “I’m the interim Hokage, until the Godaime regains consciousness.”

“What happened to Danzou?”

“He walked into an explosive jutsu,” Naruto eyesmiled. “It was such an _unfortunate_ turn of events.” She shook her head, _tsk_ ing.

“You killed him,” Gaara said, his voice dry. “Am I right?”

“Me?!” Naruto pushed a hand to her heart. “I’m _sorry,_ I was only _practicing_ my jutsu.”

Gaara facepalmed.

“Besides,” she said with that damnable smirk, “at least if you all talk about me, I can hear what you’re saying.”

So saying, she put her feet up on the table.

~:~

The Raikage slammed his hand down on the top of the long table.

“I DON’T CARE _WHAT_ IT TAKES, THOSE AKATSUKI BASTARDS NEED TO BE PUT DOWN!”

“Calm your words,” Mifune rumbled. “I simply mean to ask _why_ it is so important to the shinobi to destroy the Akatsuki.”

“Because they’re a threat. A big one,” Gaara offered quietly. “They destroy without –“

“Why don’t you leave this to the elders,” the Tsuchikage smiled condescendingly. “The Raikage is right; destroying Amegakure no Sato is –“

“Destroying the _entire_ nation?” gasped the Mizukage.

Naruto couldn’t believe she was listening to this shit.

“Yes, it’s the simplest way to –“

“If you want to declare war on Amegakure, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea,” Gaara warned, interrupting the Tsuchikage.

“Oh? And why do you say that?” The Tsuchikage fixed a look on him. “It’s easier.”

“And in the long run, it kinda screws you over,” Naruto said, finally joining the conversation. “Out of the five of us, the Tsuchikage is the only one who remembers. You declared war and wiped out Uzushiogakure – all the while not realizing that, somewhere in the world, there was a handful of Uzumaki left. During the Second Shinobi war in Amegakure no Sato, a woman with the Uzumaki name was senselessly slaughtered by Konoha-nin – not because Konoha-nin _knew_ that they were Uzumaki, simply because the family was in Amegakure no Sato, in the way of a battle. That very happened right after the purging of the clan. There was a child in that house, a child that rose to become the _leader of the Akatsuki,”_ Naruto said, stabbing the air at the Tsuchikage viciously. “All because _you_ were scared. If you decide to _obliterate_ Amegakure no Sato, you will be facing the wrath of every survivor in the near future _just_ like you are facing _mine.”_

The Tsuchikage just stared at her.

“If you had passed the hat on, I wouldn’t hate you, ya old geezer,” Naruto said, leaning back in her chair. “You, and the Third Raikage and Mizukage – you did a shitty thing. I will never like you. Ever.”

“Something I’d expect of the Yondaime Hokage’s spawn,” sneered the Tsuchikage.

“Sad I never got to meet him,” Naruto chirped, that same smile on her face. It was a _you better NOT_ look.

“You look nothing like an Uzumaki,” Mifune said bluntly. “If you had the Habenero’s hair, that would –“

A _very_ specific aura flooded from the woman.

The Dangerous Habenero AuraTM!

Gaara was the only one who seemed mildly unaffected.

“Do I resemble her a _little more?”_ the woman smiled, looking more like a snarling demon.

~:~

Obito appeared in the room, expecting Sasuke to have mercilessly slaughtered the Hokage – only to find him _chatting_ with her.

“I did what I planned, _usuratonkachi._ I killed Orochimaru, faked killing my brother – though that was hard. I had to find my clan’s eyes, which I did. So, really, letting me go did wonders for me.”

“I’m going to rip you a new one when we get back to Konoha, ya dick,” Naruto smiled. “Right now, we –“

“Sasuke-kun,” Obito said, making the room freeze. “You wouldn’t be _chatting_ with the target, would you?”

Said _target_ glared at him, a dangerous red aura –

Oh gods no nonononono _nononoNoNoNoNONONONONO_ NO!

_NOT THE DANGEROUS HABENERO AURA TM!_

Obito screamed and fled, trying to chase away the violence Kushina’s spawn had suddenly invoked in him.

(At least it wasn’t the Disappointed Habenero AuraTM. He’d only seen that _once,_ on Danzou. Danzou had _caved_ real fast.)

(Speaking of said man, why the hell was the _target_ sitting in the asshole’s place?)

~:~

“Or…” Ideas were tossed between Naruto and Gaara, the two ignoring the ‘elders’ in the room. “I could just get a restraining order.”

Gaara opened his mouth. Then paused. “Wait, do you actually think that would work?”

“Have you _seen_ those ninja-judges? Man, you want to know what happened to my former sensei? So, Mizuki got a restraining order against him by his ex-girlfriend Haruna. Haruna was with the girl he was with at the time of his arrest – so he gets there, he’s runnin’, Iruka and I catch up, we trade barbs. Then this _unholy aura_ floods the valley we’re in, right, and it’s all like _how dare you defy your restraining order._ You _don’t_ want to piss of the judge-nins.”

“Holy shit,” Gaara gaped. “I don’t think ninja value judge-nins that much – waaaait a second.” He stared at her. “Was Haruna the only one who put a restraining order on him?”

Naruto smirked, shaking her head. “Nope. I did, too. Mostly because he was one creepy-ass teacher. Shoulda known he was workin’ with Orochimaru. Doesn’t count, though, if _I_ approached him and gave him good warning. Mizuki ignored it and attempted to kill me.”

“What if all the nin-judges are killed?”

“Nah, there’s a taboo on ‘em. If one nin-judge dies as a direct assault from a ninja, then there’s going to be hell to pay.”

Gaara eyed her suspiciously. “You know an awful lot about being a nin-judge.”

“That would be because I am one,” Naruto yawned. “I mean, I haven’t gotten to practice, but. Well. I am a certified nin-judge.”

“…wow, Naruto… You do realize that telling the nin-judges of your issue with the Akatsuki, everything could have been avoi –“

“HOLY SHIT!” Naruto jumped up. “HOLY _SHIT,_ I CAN’T BELIEVE I GET TO PRACTICE!”

Gaara stared at her. “Er… What?”

She whirled and pointed at Gaara. “Kyuubi is _smacking himself!_ I can’t believe it, Gaara _thankyou!”_

She tackled the other Kage, kissing him full on the mouth before running out of the room with a belated ‘sorryi’mleavingbye’ echoing behind her.

“What was that?” Terumi Mei asked politely.

“I’m pretty sure the Kyuubi is going to file a restraining order against the majority of the Akatsuki.”

“A civilian judge can’t do anything,” sneered the Tsuchikage.

Gaara leveled a look at the Tsuchikage. “Have you ever heard of the nin-judge?”

Terumi Mei’s face was suddenly happy. “Oh, _those_ terrifying little people? I have a restraining order against Jiraiya of the Sannin – they’ve been particularly helpful.”

The Raikage was pale.

“I’ve never employed a nin-judge,” the Tsuchikage sniffed.

“That’s probably because you’ve managed to keep to your restraining orders.”

The Kages turned to Kurotsuchi, up in the galley.

“Dammit, Kurotsuchi! You told him!”

“Well, I didn’t want him to be unaware of how pissed most people are at him!”

“Yeah, he pisses off too many people to be healthy.”

“ _I CAN HEAR YOU.”_

~:~

Zetsu stared at the restraining order. It was addressed to both halves. And the Gedo Maizo, too, had a restraining order.

“Oh, no,” Zetsu muttered.

 **“You shouldn’t be scared of a measly judge,”** Kuro-Zetsu said.

(Kuro-Zetsu regretted it months later. Naruto took off the order against the White half; he was adorable when he wasn’t being a creepy stalker.)

~:~

“And we all lived happily ever after.”

“That’s bullshit reasoning.”

“I still can’t believe it started with you begging for Sasuke’s life!”

“Eh, I just needed a reason to kill Danzou.”

“I thought it was an accident…”

“ _Totally._ I _totally_ didn’t create three clones and three rasenshurikens _just_ to obliterate any sign of Danzou.”


End file.
